I’ll probably regret this in the morning.

I am not sure why, but every time I go back to California it seems as though my life turns into an epic fail.

Let me start from the beginning. Friday morning, I woke up and went to my last Plyoburn class. I probably would have been a bit emotional about it, but lunging up a mountain, doing “man-makers” until my knuckles were raw, and sprinting 24 sets of stairs kept my tear ducts dry. I did say goodbye to the other regulars and the instructor, and that was a little sad. That class has kind of been my rock. No matter what happens, no matter how shitastic the week has been, I can depend on the fact that I am going to get my rump worked every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 10am to 11am.

After that, I returned some failed explorations to Book People and Whole Foods (yes, you can do that!) and headed back to Pace’s. I made lunch and then set out to complete my packing. Apparently, JetBlue is a silent killer. They boast that the first checked bag is freeeeeeeee! Free as air! Free as a bird! Free as water!…….Oh, wait. Awkward.

The second checked back is 30$, and every checked bag after that is 75$. And if it is over 50 pounds, it is an extra 50 dollars!

So I am moving my life from Texas to California and judging by my bank balance I need to fit my shtuff into 3 or less bags at 50 pounds or less. Luckily, my friend Clare lent me two gihugenormous duffle bags. I think they are body bags, actually. Clare… are you hiding something?

As I was finishing up shoving my clothing, shoes, food, and a few toiletries into the duffle bags, I realized I had a massive problem. Well, not massive, but like a 20 pound problem.

MY VITAMIX.

No effing way am I leaving my child, my baby, my Vivita (Beh-bee-tuh) in Texas, where she will be malnourished and neglected. Baby needs her green smoothies, ice cream, and pesto on a regular basis.

I managed to put the black heavy base in my suitcase and the canister stuffed with clothing in a duffle. I also found a way to pack my large metalloid Tara statue (a Tibetan diety), a large Tibetan tea canister, and 6 jars of nut butter.

Sadly, I had to sacrifice my ice cream maker and a Tibetan painting. Merh. At least Pace can put it on his wall, right between his Bashar poster and Pace flag. How on earth he found a rainbow flag with his name on it will forever baffle me. And no, he is not bi. I am talking to you, Max. He’s mine.

Then, I hung out with Pace and made him 24 strawberry-blueberry muffins and said my goodbyes to the lovely housemates.

He dropped me at the airport at about 4:30 and I went up to the Jetblue counter to get my ticket and check my bags. The ladies behind the counter had to restrain themselves from laughing as they watched me teeter on high heels while loading the 65 pound body bag onto the scale. All in all, I was about 30 pounds overweight.

Would it help if I ate all the nut butter right now?? No?? Damn.

In the end, they were as sweet as aspartame and didn’t charge me for my excessive weight.  The flight was wretched. I was next to a talker, which ordinarily is okay, but not when they are a ripped, spray-tanned bro who wants to argue with you about the highlights of American democracy and policy. That was fun. Apparently, Mexican immigrants are lucky that we let them use the hospital for free to give birth. Oh, and since all countries have partaken in slavery, we don’t actually need to do anything about our past aggressions because, you know, everyone did it. And one more thing, men being gay “is so gross, its just wrong” but for women “its hot.” Idiocy.

As you can imagine, I suffered about 4 aneurisms. Tis a shame I didn’t have a bat handy; I could have pleaded insanity. Dang airport security…

After escaping the plane as quickly as possible, I collected my stuff and was picked up by my dear friend Emily. She fed me and took me to my car in Huntington. My plan was to drive to Santa Barbara and stay with another friend, Chelsea, but that is not exactly what went down.

The drive took about 2 and a half hours but by blasting rap, indie, and electronic beatz and almost running out of gas, the time just flew by! I think my car literally died pulling into the gas station.

I thought that my storage unit was 24 hours so I went there to pick up my stuff (this is at 11pm) and then I was going to go to Chelsea’s, but it was closed. And Chelsea’s phone was off. And the other friend I texted in hopes of sleeping on her couch didn’t answer. Of course, there were other people I could have asked, but I just didn’t want to. You know?

Bloggers and foodies alike talk about how much they love Whole Foods. They praise the healthy products, vast selection, and kind employees. They brag about their long term relationship with Whole Foods.

But, I have got you all beat. I went to bed with Whole Foods last night. Twas amazing. He even made me breakfast this morning.

No, but really, once I realized I was going to be sleeping in my car, the first place that popped into my head was Whole Foods. It’s basically my second home. Or maybe even my first home because I don’t seem to live anywhere for longer than a year at a time. So I drove to Whole Foods and talked to the all-night guard. He said he didn’t mind if I parked there and he seemed safe. So I rolled on into a spot in the corner and made myself a little nest in the back. It was pretty cramped between my duffles but once I figured out that I should lay my entire body on top my body pillow instead of just using it for my head, I got decently comfortable.

I think I woke up about 4 times between midnight and 6am, but no biggie. I had some crazy dreams, but I don’t remember them. And while I was back there, I found some 4 month old Oroweat Protein Bread that was not molded.

Can you even imagine what chemicals must be in there to make that possible?

I woke up ravenous at 6am and was thoroughly depressed to learn that the Santa Barbara Whole Foods doesn’t open until 8am. Instead, I went to this awesome little café named Jeanine’s and treated myself to unlimited coffee and steel cut oatmeal (with added almond butter from my personal stash).

Afterwards, I headed to my old house to pick up the first half of my stuff. Two hours later I went to my storage unit for the second half. When I opened the door, my jaw dropped. How the heck do I have so much stuff? What is this? I hadn’t seen any of it in three months and I thought that there was much less in the unit. I carried it all down to the car and layed it out to survey.

Not gonna happen.

In the end, the only way to fit all my stuff into the car was to:

1. Give my full mattress to this nice family of 7

2. Also give them a suitcase full of clothes and a suitcase full of books and random items

3. Take ALL of my stuff out of their containers/boxes/suitcases/bags/baskets and layer the stuff into my car

4. Plead the family to drop off the containers at a thrift shop for me because I had no room in my car to take them anywhere

There was literally not one square inch of unused space in my car. Proof:

Front, not quite done yet. Can’t see behind me at all.

Left

Right. Poor Corduroy…

Finally, at noon, I was on my way to Davis. I was anticipating getting there in about 7 hours thanks to my handy dandy i-phone. During those 7 hours I…

partially ran over a hay bale

saw a mean looking motorcycle gang in matching jackets

witnessed 12 speeding tickets

was spared a urinating in public ticket

did some calisthenics on the side of the highway

saw a dozen discarded bricks of weed on the side of the 101

…..I am not kidding. I couldn’t even make that up if I tried. You don’t have to believe me, but honestly, what else could a rectangular package of green wrapped in saran wrap be? Wrapped with love and discarded with fear.

Despite countless blind lane changes and bouts of inattention, I made it to my new home in Davis at 7:03 pm all in one piece. I am now deliriously unpacking and on the verge of passing out. Good night.

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22 thoughts on “I’ll probably regret this in the morning.

  1. Holy crap. That is the… wow. I’m sort of speechless. I don’t want to laugh because it’s not really funny for you, but… Man. I just love the way you write. I hope the rest of the move goes well for you!

  2. I have so much to comment on this post but I’ll keep it mildly short. HILARIOUS. But I’m laughing with you , not at you… swear.
    4 month old bread. That’s just gross. The fact there was no mold, even more gross. And the fact that you slept in your car in the WF parking lot- you win. Lady, you WIN. But really, that’s gotta be the perfect place for sleeping in your car. I mean, bums won’t be there… too expensice. 😉 BUT I wish you could have called me! My sister (just graduated last year) is there right now since last Thursday visiting friends- you could totally have crashed in IV…
    Anyway, sorry to hear about all of your mishaps, and er, um, interesting adventures. Glad you got your car PACKED and you made it to Davis, all in one piece, with all of your stuff, unlike those sad weed bags.. they are homeless.
    🙂
    Hilarious post.

    1. Lori! I am so happy to report back that Davis is going wonderfully! My housemates are fantastic and I am trying new things and meeting many people :)And I did look into shipping, and it wasnt cheaper. I was surprised. Im glad you enjoyed the post! I was a little afraid to publish dat shit.

  3. Sheesh…What an adventure! But you will laugh about it later…i hope 🙂

    Have a good time unpacking and seeing old friends, though!

  4. wow girl that’s quite the story,i dont think you’ll ever forget it!!! but i’m just glad you made it there safetly and okay..that was a smart place to sleep at night!

  5. love the new clean layout…also love that you are a hobo your first night there. 🙂 Good luck with everything and hope that you get to see pace soon..next time SHIP shizzle to cali…would it be cheaper?

    1. Gah, I did look into shipping and it was not cheaper! It was the same price as having 4 bags or 3 overweight bags. Obnoxious.I think I will see Pace in October, so not too bad! Its sweet of you to say that 🙂 and to notice my new layout!!

  6. Aww, darling, I am sad that this was such a long difficult process. But, you did make it in one piece!! Also, I think I can mail your ice cream maker for cheap…I got the UT hook-up.

    Gimme your new address.

    love,
    c

  7. Aw, girl. I get the opposite effect. Everytime I return to CA, my life just gets BETTER. I’l say what happens to you is about what happens to me when I go back to DC. I love your humor though. I was engaged in everything you wrote from top to bottom.

    And JetBlue is still infinitely better than effing United. You don’t get the first bag free, and the third bag is $150. RIDICULOUS.

    1. I think of you as a blog celebrity, so whenever you comment, I freak out (internally). Thank you for complimenting my writing! Sometimes I think I am using the same genre of jokes/sarcasm too much, but whatevs. It’s how I think.

  8. you made a little ‘squirrel nest’ haha thats what my family says to me when i go travelling with them. i make my little cramped fort of pillows and blankets and find a way to get super comfy.

    mmm i love that u lent your muffin services for Pacehehe and made him two dozen!!

    we’ve gotta meet up in our lifetime just to bake muffins together haha 🙂

    xoxo

  9. I don’t often laugh out loud when reading something. But man, your story is funny! Sorry if that sounds insensitive– I’m sure it was horrible at the time, but it is kinda funny in retrospect.

  10. oh my goodness! I’m catching up on your posts – I haven’t had much time for blog reading. What a story! These are the memories you will look back on when you’re my age and absolutely RELISH and SMILE and be thankful for your independence and awesomeness. I adore you. The bread? SCARY. The guy on the plane? NIGHTMARE. The fact that you slept in a Whole Foods parking lot? LOVE. I hope things are going well with new living situation/classes. I’m going to read the rest of your posts now. xoxo

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